CANAAN: THE INTRIGUES OF THE EXODUS

‘Disclaimer: The events outlined in this blog are somewhat of a historical stretch and may not necessarily represent the views of the author… but who cares, as long as it makes for a good story’

And again…it is only for a laugh at best so feel free to not get offended 🙂

So it is that time of the quintennium where we queue one by one to brave the chilly, murky waters of the Jordan before we cross to Canaan. It’s not the first time though. We have been here before. Circling round and round in the wilderness for about 15 years, give or take. 

I remember Passover in 2002. Our Moses Obako had told us to paint our doorposts with Rooster blood. ‘Hio Jogoo ya Kanu lazima ingetolewa kafara – pumbavu!’. And when Kivuitu, the angel of the passover passed over, the first one to go was the son to Arap Tutankhamen the Pharaoh, and soon to be heir of the Kingdom – Ramses Muigai. Gone, dead – kaput…or so we thought.. the travails of Misri were just beginning. 

So we got to the vast sea and the Pillar of fire, otherwise known as NARC told us to go in through the deep waters. We weren’t to be scared. We were to be Unbwogable! Pharaoh Arap Tutankhamen had been struck down by the thunder of god – the voice of the masses. And those who had not first believed had been baptized by the many waters that were the pools of KICC. So we forged ahead to cross the Sea of Change as the waters of uncertainty and fear stood like walls on either side. 

Moses Obako had told us it would be a short journey to Canaan. 100 days to be exact. He had already gone up the Mountain to State House to get back a proper MoU. Then he came down with the document, looked at everyone and decided he didn’t need them. He ripped the document and broke the covenant he had with the people. Absolute power corrupted, and the view from up the hill was fantastic. 

100 days turned to 6 months which turned to a year and Canaan was still a dream away. So Moses Obako got Jethro Pal Gai to try to fix things. That was at the Valley of Bomas. But the thirst of these men was too great and the water was too bitter. Gai skedaddled back to his Midian tent in Karen. Moses was again left high and dry. These were the beginning of the labour pains. Soon, people got hungry and wanted something to eat. So they prayed and oranges fell from the sky. There were bananas too but people didn’t care about that. See, the desert was like the sea and you could die of Scurvy. So the more oranges, the better. 

So there was a schism. The mixed multitude had been divided. Moses fired all his lieutenants. Zipporah Obako blew a fuse and went beating the hailers and reporters with her sandals. It was a sad time. Then the desert snakes came biting in. Stung by tribalism and apathy, people went to loot, pillage and plunder. The solution was simple, look upwards unto the TJRC and you would be healed. And so it was. Guys got their sanity back. But it was never the same. Moses and Joshua Agwambo were back together but they weren’t honeymooning. Mose would go out and do things while Josh would lament on why he wasn’t being consulted. Caleb Musyoka, couldn’t keep it together and was all over the place… it was just a mess. But eventually things got better. The broken MoU was reinstated and the Covenant breach was sealed. That was 2010.

Now a united front, the journey proceeded till the Ocamposites decided to appear as they neared Canaan. Led by the Great Commander who had been thought to have died during the Passover back in Misri – Sergeant Ramses Muigai. It was a battle bravely fought. Moses was up the hill with his hands raised and as long as he kept them that way, Joshua would prevail. But the guy got tired and let his hands down. The battle was lost – but not the war…at least not yet. 

Ramses Muigai and Goliath Arap Mashamba got their way for a season. ‘Kukula nyama tukimeza mate’. They and their throng did whatever they wished for as we, the NASArites licked our wounds and strengthened in rank and file. Even Rahab Wamwere joined the fray after Joshua’s Army led by Gideon Sultan marched round Tharaka Jericho telling them to open the gates or we would shout ‘Tibiim’ and the walls would fall. All this time, the Ocamposites sought favour from the deity Molech Mugumo in their sacred grove. But Molech kept dead silent. And I mean the drop down and died kind of dead. 

The tide was turning and we would have to wait and see how the war would end…or if it would end and the Nasarites would finally cross into the Jordan.

Fingers crossed but not holding my breath.