A NEW CHAPTER: THE CURIOUS CASE OF A NAIROBI HALFLIFE


Sisi kama Whatsapp Village Elders tunapitia mengi! Serikali tafadhali!..
Now that I had become the newest unofficial village elder, I got tasked with arbitrating a case between a lad, Mr. Charm, who had been charged with arson. The accuser, his lass, Lady Luck, was suffering from Acute 3rd Degree burns. The case was to be mentioned on Whatsapp and adjudicated on Facebook. And being the mentally endowed erudite I thought I was, I jumped onto the case with both feet.

The case begun with the plaintiff taking the stand. Well, actually she was typing since it was on social media…

I did not know he was a serial arsonist. We hadn’t quite met as yet but I knew he was a charm. We had been friends on social media for quite some time. He wasn’t seeing anybody, or atleast that is what his status read. So on the day he made an advert for that opening into his heart, I jumped on it like a deranged deer.

The ad went something like this:

Mr. Charm Courting Services is now open for business! Suitable candidates for the position of Lifelong Partner should send their Résumé to Mr. Charm’s DM in the form of a cheeky emoji. Qualifications should include affinity for good things and inkling to being smothered with love. And if Jesus is not your first referee, don’t call us, we shall call you! And may the odds forever be in your favour.

The lass knew she was a foot in. Lady Luck! She was a quaint chorister in her local church and had never set foot in any tavern all her life. The only men she knew were her dad, her Pastor and the Lord Jesus. Of course apart from the list of fellows who had been fallen by her sword of strait rejection. And yes, a good life wouldn’t be such a bad thing to desire. She deserved that for all she had done, or rather, not done as she waited for her man. And now he was here.

But as soon as she met him, she new he was an arsonist. An emotional arsonist. The spark she saw in his eyes lit up a strange fire in the dry wilderness of her soul. And the blizzard he brought swept her off her feet and heated the fires, from an ember, to an inferno, to a conflagration. She burned. Burning with strange desires. She could breathe fire, she thought. Her conscience charred by the sulfur and brimstone that was his cunning. 

And so in the flurry of events, she was overtaken by desire. With her eyes set on the brilliant fire, she forgot the rain. And it fell hard. A deluge to quench the flames. And all that remained was ash and smouldering pulp. She was pregnant. And ashamed. Mr. Charm was gone. And he disappeared with her pedigree Pug pup, gifted to her by an animal shelter she volunteered in. The fire that warmed her had now burnt her to a crisp. Her heart suffered from 3rd Degree Emotional Burns. Lady Luck was devastated.

It was turn for the defendant to take the stand.

Mr. Charm has left the group

And he ran away with my gavel too, so I couldn’t hammer down judgment. Such a Nairobian half-life he was!

What a time to be a Whatsapp Village elder.

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