CHAPTER EIGHT: BLACK LISTS AND RED FLAGS (Pt.1)

Women – the grindstone of the society. A yardstick by which our growth is measured. In her hands is passion, her bosom feeds the nation, every shuffle of her foot represents the aptitude of our economy. Even Karl Marx said ‘Social progress can be measured exactly by the social positions of the fairer sex, ugly ones included.’ We love our women. They make us feel special.
Enough of that, and back to reality. Never has there been a time where women were as complicated as today. Emboldened and empowered yet still feigning weakness and helplessness. Frankly, I have had enough. Women were given a seat at the table – they took the table together with the seats and went away with them. Now men sit on boulders in a circle, wondering what happened. This led me to set up a research centre to understand women and how they are socialized. The results were bleak. So I decided to categorize women based on their dating personas and this is the broad spectrum of my findings.

Guys, you can thank me later:

1. Always on Recovery

These are the kind who are always play victim. Most have gone through some kind of trauma and often tend to use that to guilt trip you. It is their aces in their house of cards. You come home one day and find them eating the last slice of pizza you had left in the fridge. First of all, you hadn’t even invited her and wonder how she got in. She sees you trying to work through your shock and she breaks down into tears – with ketchup still spread across half her face. And how did she even get crumbs in her hair? Does pizza even have crumbs? She dabs a mustard stained napkin over her eyes to dry them. Now she just looks like the Joker from Batman. ‘You don’t love me… Nobody loves me. Everybody would be better off if I was dead. Ever since Ted walked out of my life, I have been a hot mess.’ Ted was the teddy she lost when she was a kid, way back before pyramids were built. Even before you say anything, she hazes past you like a ghost and throws herself on your Kashmir suede Couch, complete with her sweat slacks and your bathroom crocs. Her head is deep under the cushions like an ostrich. And all you can hope for right now is that she lays eggs because tonight you are sleeping hungry.
2. Emotional Transistors

Simply bipolar. Their moods change faster than Trump’s ‘lies’. They are like kids, pacing from an sugar rush to a sugar crush. One moment you may be having a very pleasant conversation about wanting to buy a house or settle down, the next, you are on the floor rolling from a WWE close-line that came from nowhere. You always know them when you see them. Often wearing bright colors but having dull faces. And when you greet them, their palms would feel like old leather and pumice rock. Because those hands have made landfall everywhere; on the cheeks of her ex, the gym trainer, brother, deskmate, office colleague, the president, Mayweather, John Cena – even her dad. Statistically speaking, more people have been slapped by her, than the number of Facebook users worldwide.

3. Dora the Explorer

They are the most common type. They can never keep their hands to themselves. Treasure hunting seemed to be their greatest pass time when they were young. And explore they do! Especially your phone. They hack through passwords and encryptions to check your gallery and messages. They even go through your call log trying to trace forensic evidence of the cheat you aren’t. Their house looks like the 24 Legacy’s CTU headquarters complete with maps showing your location and pictures of you with various ladies from social media. And interestingly, they always carry a truth serum in their purse. Perhaps it is for when they smell some bull. 
4. Baggage Claim

They have more baggage than a cargo hold in Storage Wars. They are always fuming on how their exes had broken their hearts. And this is long after you guys are married. They always tell you how this guy was tall, confident and with a mwanya between his teeth. It does not help you because you are short, stocky and can never look anyone in the eyes – let alone your own reflection. They still keep tokens of their past lives, memoirs of days long gone. Then one day you stumble upon a bunch of scented letters held together by elastic bands addressed to her. You check them out because nobody writes letters these days, only to find that she kept in touch with the heartbreak kid all this time. And when you ask her, all she can say is that she loves him like a brother. Yeah right!

5. Daddy Issues

Daddy’s girls. There is nothing as refreshing as a dad-daughter combo – when you are the dad. When you are the boyfriend, things get a bit dark. It is obviously a bad idea dating a girl who has a bad relationship with the father. Worse if they are besties. Fathers are like grown up boys in the playground – they hate sharing. And in the event they do, it won’t go down without a fight. As a matter of fact, dowry is like Fight Club for them. And before you reach there, they already had NSA tapping your phones, the FBI tailing you, Jack Bauer using ‘enhanced interrogation’ on you et cetera. 

6. Star-Spangled Socialites

They do everything for show. So called the Goddesses of Tinder. Always in between relationships. The real plastics from Mean Girls 2 – would surely melt if they stood in the sun for long. They are veteran members of Kilimani Mums Uncensored. They always look amazing – when outside. With the best Yamaguchi accessories, knockoff Chanel dresses and corsets. And did I mention their tights. Yes! Leopard print to be exact. These are worn 24/7. Covering the legs during daylight hours and transferred to the head to cover their 3 month old weaves at night. You ain’t getting none tonight! And they have the audacity to sleep with ghastly oversize ‘Nimechill‘ T-shirts – and you are married. It is important at this point to know that that is not your wife – that is a mannequin.

7. Amicus Curie

The schooled ones – often in crisp suits and fancy slacks. Very empowered. They like arguing a lot but you will never know it is an argument unless you have a Greek-Latin Thesaurus near you. Their noses are always wet with the smell of a coming duel and they do their research. Get ready for charts, facts, figures and statistical data encapsulated with opening and valedictory statements. You can never win a fight with them. And they hold Cicero’s words to be their mantra: ‘when you have no basis for an argument, abuse the plaintiff’. And they always end with, ‘I know my rights’

8.Mitchelle Angelas

They are a cross between Maya Angelou and Michaelangelo. Very poetic. Perhaps too poetic. And visual. In case there is something wrong, they won’t tell you. They will only go into a creative recluse, and think of the most contorted way to tell you how they feel. Though they won’t. They will just post a picture on Instagram of an Hourglass and have a very weird caption saying something like ‘Buried in the Sands of Time‘ and a hieroglyph of emojis. And in case you don’t double tap, they turn your apartment into an actual studio. Spray-painting expletives and obscenities on your walls, breaking your crockery, destroying everything you hold dear. Then taking a picture of all that and hanging it on a wall – in an art gallery. Licks fingers – sweet poetic justice.

9. Yoruba Princess

These are the daughters to very rich West African oil Tycoons who apparently found themselves in a refugee camp which has no internet – yet they are able to use social media and email. They are always looking for a knight in shining armour to give them some seed capital to get them out of the rut they are in and hopefully marry them in future. And their profile pictures – whoa! Look like pumpkin dipped demi-goddesses. Interestingly, they have spammed almost everyone on earth with an email leading to a greater controversy – did the white man lie to us again that China has the most people on earth? Because these Nigerian princesses must be numbering by the billions. And we all know you cannot be royalty without subjects. Only one word – Grifters. If you are in an internet romance story with them, just know you are probably talking to a fat hairy man with back problems, cracked feet and a serious Pidgin accent.
10. Tenderprenueurs

These are those who see your relationship as a business opportunity. Gold diggers who bathe in the blood of your money. Ever since they met you, they went ‘All The Way Up‘ in their social status. They stopped downloading songs on Tubidy and now they are on iTunes and Spotify. They stopped using PSVs now they are on Pewin Cabs and Uber. They stopped eating Ugali, now they be ordering Burritos. Most importantly, they stopped buying Avocados and now they are importing Juacamole. They really Moved on Up like the Jacksons from the 80’s. But through all this, they make no headway in investment. They can only invest in weaves – not in brains. 

11. Helen of Troy

These are those who have weirdly attractive male friends. Guys who are more muscular, more athletic, better looking, more confident, less condescending versions of yourself. They are basically an upgrade of everything you are and ever hope to be. And they always make her laugh, 99% of the time – something you always come up short in. And when you ask her, she says that there is nothing going on, and that they are just friends. Again they share secrets that you aren’t allowed to know. Personally, I would even be at my wits end if Disney’s Hunchback was besties with my girl. What about these gorgeous idols that look like they were born in Olympus and cradled by Artemis?

12. ET 

Extra Terrestrials, the perfect women. They are always chill, approachable, fun to be around with and most importantly, understanding. However, they are almost non-existent. They are only found in Rosewell’s Area 51, where they crash landed from space and were caught by the Americans. Now the Yankees are trying to replicate them.

In essence, all women have a dash of crazy in them. So let us celebrate their diversity the different strokes that make them who they are.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s