CHAPTER THREE: THE HOW-TO’S OF THE HEART

I will be blunt – Ladies love me. Well, what can I say. I am a pretty stand up guy. A gentleman’s gentleman. The kind of guy ladies would want their parents to meet. The kind of person ladies dream of in their wedding day… as their best-man. I hate it!

So I am not a boyfriend material. I am the best friend type. And I get it. I am chill most times. Never ask people to prove their love for me. The only tokens of gratitude and affection I accept are in terms of Hi-5s and Fistbump emojis. Yes I said it. Emoticons!

So dire has my situation been, that I decided to turn it into a Best-seller. Called ‘The Way of Friendzone‘, it would be a sequel to The Art of War. Because we all have heard it, all is fair in Love and War. But because of the much love I have for you guys, I will give you a speed-read of the main points.

So welcome to the Friendzone bootcamp:

1. It is not blue, it’s aqua
Yes. You are in need of knowing the 16.3 million different colours that are on your computer screen by heart. Wake up every day, reciting them in alphabetic order. Once you know them, learn to match them. Oh and yes, blue is a color, aqua is a palette. A color is what you see in a rainbow, a palette is the shade you paint on a wall. Yes, say horrid things like those without blinking.

2. Women are like Van Gogh Pieces: Abstract, Expensive and highly Desired
Make her feel special. Don’t refer to her kind as a female dog. Always say the right thing. Tag her on GodlyDating101 quotes. Set her as your dp and have a Maya Angelou status update in reference to that picture. Turn sports, gambling and your boys into mortal enemies. Instead Netflix and chill with Afro-Cinema. The kind with the funny irrelevant sountracks and badly written scripts. You’ll hate it. It is your pet peeve but do it anyway because she will lie to you that she only watches Kevin Hart and Chic flicks when we all know that she goes kookoo over some Afro-juju.

3. All-you-need essentials in a fanny pack
It sounds dumb. Because it is. But silly as it is, it’s a necessary evil. It should never miss some M&Ms and mints. And carry the pack from the Chemist. Guy’s you know what I mean… a pack of Bascopan pills and a voucher to Planet Yoghurt. The cure for rainy days. Oh, and do not forget pocket tissues, or wipes. The sillier (i.e. prettier) they look and/or smell, the better. You will use them to wipe chairs because you stopped sitting on just about anything like a man, a long time ago. And if you want to be a daredevil, have some tampons on you. They may even be of help when you get a nosebleed from being punched by her guy because you are ‘always around’.

4. Work those glutes
In fact get some abs for your calves. Do lots of pilates and squats. And when you are tired, top it all off with some triathlon-level lunges. Because you are in for some heavy lifting and lots of power walking. Upper body fitness is for boyfriends; lower body strength is for best friends. Because you will help her move her things up those stairs into her new apartment when she breaks up with her guy, or you will be walking a lot helping her carry stuff when she goes on a shopping spree right after the alimony comes in.

5. Do not SMS.. Text – There’s a Difference
Compose long messages – manuscripts. Or even better, call. Pour your heart out. Use flare in your words. Punctuate your diction. Talk for hours on end. Safaricom ain’t got nothing on you. Tell her how you want to quit everything you are doing to join a travelling circus. A travelling circus because you must be a clown for you to think she will leave him for you. Have split second replies to messages. Always be on call. Like a doctor. You are a doctor to her emotions, a physician to her insecurities. And though you are not billed by the hour, getting her tears to dry would be payment enough. Oh, and have OBGYN contacts on speed dial. For both of you. For her, due to obvious reasons, and for yourself because to her, you already became one of the girls.

6. Invest in Onions… Lots of Onions
Chop, slice and dice them. Now cry. Cry like a newborn baby. Weep like you heard Whitney Huston singing I will always love you for the very first time. Moan like you just watched Roots and thought Kunta Kinte deserved better. Jump to the shower. Cry some more as you soak in the sountrack of They Called Me Malala that has been piped from the Living Room. Don’t hold back. Let the tears flow freely. Make a show of it like you are on Broadway or are about to win an Academy Oscar. Listen to Beyonce’s Lemonade album that your bestie left in your CD player. Yes you have a CD player because you were so absorbed in her business that you forgot to move along with technology. Read on existentialism. Everything is meaningless; Good guys finish last. Now go and tell the man in the mirror that he will get through this slump.

7. Finally
Eat. Sleep. Repeat. This is your life now

Congratulations! You are now officially friend-zoned. Welcome to the club.